Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Top Ten Reasons I am Glad My Life is not a Soap Opera

#10 – I would actually have to get dressed and do my hair and make-up every single day!

#9 – I would have 1 brother from one dad, 2 sisters from another and my mom would have had three other children, from at least two different fathers – man, that would really complicate the holidays!

#8 – And speaking of mothers, mine would have been kept away on a tropical island for most of my childhood years, undergoing all sorts of procedures to alter her physical appearance so much that she would be completely unrecognizable to me (and the viewers) by the time she re-entered my life.

#7 – I don’t have to take off huge dangle earrings every time I answer the phone (although that has changed now with the invention of cell phones).

#6 – I would have had some mysterious evil twin suddenly appear in my life to cause all sorts of mayhem and disaster, trust me, one of me is enough!

#5 – I would have had and been miraculously cured of at least one case of amnesia, temporary blindness or paralysis by now.

#4 – At least one of my children would have been kidnapped by some raging lunatic who used to be my best friend.

#3 – If I were a soap character, Bert and I would be going on our third round of marriage by now, so glad we didn’t have to pay for all those divorces and weddings!

#2 – My wonderful, sweet, innocent 8 year old Thing 1 would now be 15 and on the brink of her own personal disaster if she were a soap kid (as most soap kids age in dog years). No Thanks!

AND #1 – There really would be someone out there continually plotting against me!

So, where did all this come from? The other day I was settled in to watch “The Price is Right” while I worked on folding several loads of laundry that had accumulated over the holidays. Although I’m not that in to Drew, it’s still “The Price is Right” and sometimes I still have to watch. Then it happened, just as it had in the past, the show ended and the remote was nowhere to be found! I was carefully situated amongst dangerously tall piles of laundry, and not wanting to have them all collapse like Jenga game, I stayed put until the last few items were folded.

Then it came on, my old guilty pleasure, The Young and the Restless (sigh). This has been a love/hate relationship for me for many, many years. It all started the summer before 8th grade. I would watch “The Price is Right” (which I have now come to realize is “the gateway” daytime drama – it’s the one to get you in, to open the door, to start the addiction and take you to the heavier stuff), then the Y&R would come on immediately, and they had that cute Michael Damian on back then, who could resist?

Soon I was wrapped up in the story and the characters and then, thank heavens, school would start back up and I would lose touch with the old show for a bit. But, whenever I was home sick and during every summer break for the next few years, I would always check back in on the old residents of Genoa City. Sadly, I was hooked. This lasted a few years until I finally just outgrew it or found myself busy with other activities. High School and College both kept me fairly busy and away from TV for the most part.

Many years later, much to my surprise, this would all come back to me after having my first child and becoming a SAHM. For the first time in while, I was home in the morning. And I went right back to “The Gateway”. Hadn’t I learned my lesson? Within a few weeks I was a regular with the Y&R also. I am not proud of this, but that’s how it was. As I watched this time, I remember that one of the main characters (Ashley) had a baby about the same time as I had my Thing 1, so maybe I was more interested because of the baby factor, who knows? But I was sucked back into the drama.

After a few months, and an embarrassing confession to my husband, I got over it, AGAIN (that’s the beauty of Soaps – sometimes their story lines get sooooo ridiculous that you just have to stop watching) and haven’t revisited since.

And that brings me to the day of laundry mentioned above. There I was, stuck, hoping to not disturb these precarious towers that surrounded me, and “The Price is Right” just ended. There is no remote in sight and I have just a few more towels to fold to complete the job. I know what is coming and I know that just a few minutes with the old crowd could suck me right back in. I go back and forth in my head a few times … should I get up and topple the piles in order to change the channel before it starts, or could I just be strong.

So, I kept folding. But, my wandering eye peeked up at the opening scene. A young lady answered the door, holy cow … it’s Ashley’s daughter, the same one that was born around the same time as my first born. This girl is a freaking teenager who is old enough to start getting in trouble just like the rest of the characters, UGH! Then I think of my own sweet, innocent Thing 1 – and I sigh a huge sigh of relief. I love my reality – however noisy and stinky and unglamorous it is! I am so glad I am not from Genoa City.


Julie said...

I totally know what you mean! I have been watching days of our lives for 10 years, on and off, and it is so true! Thanks for a good laugh.

Deb F said...

I think you need to share the story of the day Pres Regan was shot and how it interrupted your Soap. I have never had more fun teasing you.

Ah…Memory lane.

Twinmomwv said...

Kindred spirits we are indeed! I too love Anne. What is better on a cold winter day than curling up to watch an Anne of Green Gables marathon?

I had to laugh at your soap opera love/hate saga. I too have battled this particular drug for years now. My drug of choice was Days of Our Lives. Could have something to do with the fact that someone once told me I looked like Allison Sweeney (Sami). I tried doing it recreationally by only getting the weekly email updates to follow the storylines. It was still affecting me however and I finally had to go cold turkey.

Love your blog!

Jenny in Utah said...

My dear sister Debbie is very mistaken ... I was in 3rd grade when our dear Pres. Reagan was shot ... I was not watching soaps at such a young age!!! You are definitely confusing this with some other catastrophic event, of which my immature reaction to the loss of TV programming will still be just as shameful, I am sure!

Deb F said...

Sorry Jen, they say that your memory is the first to go, but it was something I remember it well.

Amber said...

This post is so funny! How I love The Price is Right and would dream of the day I might talk Dan into a little trip to Cali and somehow end up on stage playing Plinko!! Anyway, I used to watch Days of Our Lives in Jr. High, then some in high school. Actually, our stories are quite similar, going back and forth in and out of the habit of watching. 'Days' has an hour glass and they have this saying about 'Like sands through the hour glass, so are the days of our lives' and one day I heard that and thought about the sands in my hour glass I had just wasted watching something so unrealistic and downright ridiculous! Seriously, where is this Salem these people live in? I simply could not keep up in a word where I had to be so done-up all the time. Well, ever! Sadly, I do still stop for a second when I turn the channels and see some of the familiar faces. But I always move on! I love your top 10 list!

Tabitha Blue said...

Love your reasons... so true!!! Made me laugh too.